Twilight

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in Twilight.

I knew this movie wasn't aimed at me but the point was really driven home when Edward the teen heartthrob "vampire" and Bella the awkward, but more beautiful than anyone else at her high school, girl are making out in Bella's bedroom and they end up just talking and snuggling all night instead of having sex. No man would write that scenario or ever try to market such a scenario to other men. Of course I pretty much knew going into it that this wasn't going to be a movie made for men since it was based on the book that had been marketed at tween girls and their mothers and the marketing department certainly got it right this time since that is exactly who this movie is made for.

The plot of the movie is very, very simple. Bella is a teenage-girl from Phoenix who moves to Forks, Washington to live with her father after her mom remarries. Once there Bella meets and falls in love with the incredibly handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen. Edward turns out to be a "vampire". I say "vampire" in quotes because they play fast and loose with the vampire mythology. "Vampires" in this movie break the cardinal law of vampiric myth by allowing them to go out and about in daylight. Even direct sunlight does nothing to them besides make their skin sparkle. Edward also comes from a family of the biggest pussy vampires ever. They call themselves, get this, vegetarian vampires because they only drink the blood of animals. As to why Edward and Bella fall in love, apart from the fact that they're both physically attracted to each other, no reason is ever given. It's just love at first sight and better not to ask questions about it. The only other plot element is when another vampire arrives on the scene late in the movie and decides he wants to kill Bella and Edward has to protect her. That's pretty much it for plot.

Here's a question that occurred to me while watching this movie. If a 40 year-old man impersonated a teen-age boy and infiltrated a high-school to date a 17 year-old he'd be called a pervert and possibly arrested. If a 40 year-old man climbed into a 17 year-old's bedroom and watched her sleep, he'd be called a pervert and possibly arrested. So how come it's romantic instead of pervy when a 100+ year-old man does it? Is the rule, if you have fangs and are good-looking than you're not a pervert? I mean talk about age-differences! What do Edward and Bella talk about? She's going to be all like, "Wow let's go to the mall. I can't believe I'm about to lose my virginity. Did you see Gossip Girls last night?" And he's been around for a hundred years, lived through two world wars, seen history as it happens, been through countless relationships, killed people, explored the world and done god knows what else. So apart from the fact that her scent drives him crazy, what does he see in her? And also, if he can barely contain himself from biting her as this movie claims, what's going to happen when she has her period? He'll never be able to be around her.

I did enjoy the look of the film. The scenery is beautiful and the action scenes, the very few that there are, are well enough done. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have to say some really awkward and poorly written dialog and they manage to do so with a straight face. And they both look their parts.

This movie will succeed based on the loyalty of the fans of the books and word-of-mouth to other young girls. If they'd wanted it to succeed strictly as a good movie they'd have done better to throw in a lot more plot, more action and rewritten 90% of the dialog. However, given that in its first weekend this movie made almost double what it cost to make, I doubt anyone is going to question how it was made. But, while they did end up with a popular movie, they didn't end up with a very good one.

Edward Cullen: Rebel without a pulse.

Vampire or human, what man is able to be around a woman when she has her period? Joking aside, the love story is the weakest aspect to the movie. Edward supposedly is attracted to Bella because of her scent? Then he is fascinated by the fact that he can read anyones mind but hers. The movie never gives any reason for either anomaly. Bella likes him because he is mysterious and has James Dean hair.

Edward is an immortal, yet his life does not make any sense. He became a “vampire” when he was seventeen and so he will look seventeen forever. Why does that dictate that he has to repeat highschool every four years? Could he not just get a job and live as a youthful looking adult? He has graduated highschool about twenty times.

Kristen Stewart must have the worst agent in Hollywood. Click on her name above and see a list of her movies in which 2 stars is the highest rated film we have reviewed of hers. Although Twilight will start a franchise for her, it has not impressed us.

I have no knowledge of the book series or what will happen to the characters. The movie makes several hints that Bella’s Indian friend is a werewolf. I will likely see the sequel. I have always been a sucker for a vampire movie, even one that plays fast and loose with the vampire mythology. Maybe a sequel will better flesh out these characters. It sure could not damage them any.

Not enough Jacob.

Unlike my brothers I am reviewing this movie after having seen and reviewed New Moon and Eclipse. I agree with them that this is the weakest entry in the series thus far. It has less action, and takes too long for Bella and Edward to get together, but the biggest reason why this is my least favorite is that Jacob has such a small role. As Eric mentioned it only hints at the fact that he is a werewolf and we don’t get to see him transform at all or even stand around with his shirt off.

I had what I thought were two original ideas to bring up but it turns out that Eric and Scott beat me to both of them.

The age difference between Bella and Edward is ridiculous. He is over 100 but doesn’t act like someone with so much life experience. Other than Bella saying something about him occasionally talking in an old-fashioned manner the subject is never broached. The other thought was why the fuck does Edward keep repeating high school. I’ll bet history is his favorite subject since he has lived through so much of it.

Thankfully the sequels are slightly better than this one, although god knows I can’t imagine how they could have gotten worse.