The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2.

Well, all I can say is, “Thank god that's over with.” Has more money ever been spent on such a horrible series of movies before? And these are horrible movies. Sure, there are millions of people (Who am I kidding? Millions of women.) that enjoy them, but no number of fans, no matter how large, can turn a bad movie into a good one. Enjoyment of a movie doesn't automatically mean it was good.

As is the case with every other Twilight movie, there is barely any plot. And yet somehow, like all the other movies, it still manages to be 2 hours long. What there is of it this time around, goes something like this. Bella is now a vampire and married to Edward. Their daughter (she with the nauseating name, Renesmee) is a hybrid human/vampire who is growing at an accelerated rate. Another vampire sees Renesmee from a distance and mistakenly believes that she's in Interview with a Vampire and just spotted Claudia. As in that much better and actual vampire novel, the making of a child vampire is against vampire law and punishable by death. The Volturi clan decide to come to Forks and kill all of the Cullens for this crime. Only apparently they decide to walk from Italy to the state of Washington because the Cullens have time before they arrive to fly around the world picking up allies. All of this leads up to the finale, of which I'll get to in a minute.

The three stars reprise their usual performances. Pattinson, who has ridiculed the series in interviews, seems bored. Stewart, despite actually smiling occasionally, still looks sullen. And Lautner still has massive abs and a generous amount of charisma, even if he is stuck with a pedophile storyline that involves him being in love with Bella's daughter, although not, as he's quick to point out, in a creepy way. Lautner does provide the biggest (intentional) laugh when he reveals himself (in more ways than one) to Bella's father.

For a movie that makes so much money, very little of it seems to be spent on the actual making of it. The hair and makeup looks awful and jokey. What little special effects there are, look incredibly fake. Renesmee as a baby is the creepiest looking CGI thing I have ever seen. Although the Cullens are supposed to be traveling around the world, we don't see any exotic locales. This movie is a cash cow and none of the profits were wasted on making it look good.

Another thing this series has also always gotten wrong, is their treatment of vampires. In fact, although they use the term vampire, these are no relation to Dracula or Lestat. These are essentially just good looking, emo immortals, who in this installment get turned into The X-Men. Suddenly these “vampires” can control the elements, shoot electricity out of their bodies and create illusions. They're not vampires at all, just really boring superheroes.

So with nothing happening for most of the movie apart from building up to a massive vampire battle at the end, you'd expect it to be a doozy of a fight. To my surprise, it actually turns out to be a pretty epic (by this series' standards) battle. Major characters are killed. Heads are ripped off. The earth opens up, swallowing vampire and werewolf alike. Nothing is going to be the same after this one. And then, just when my movie-going juices were almost flowing, SPOILER ALERT, it all turns out to be a dream! Not the whole series. That's a nightmare. But just the final battle. It was only a “what might have been” ending predicted by the fortunetelling Alice.

With the guaranteed financial success of this installment, I can only hope and pray that the producers don't try and make another sequel that extends beyond the original books. Although to be honest, even if they do, I doubt that I'll go to see it. I really only went to see this one because I'd seen all of the others and having seen it, I feel as if I've discharged any responsibility I may have had to see it all the way to the end. Then again, maybe if they move away from the original source material they might be able to create something worth watching.

Kellan Lutz and Kristen Stewart

A collective groan could be heard from every male audience member as it was revealed that the battle was just a vision of the future. This dull beyond comprehension film series finally gave the men in the audience a scene to enjoy. Vampires were getting their heads ripped off. Wolves were being put down. Characters that had bored us to sleep in every previous movie were being killed. This was a scene that was trying very hard to make up for all the ridiculously vapid acting, poor dialogue, deadly slow pacing and horrendous effects. Just when I found myself, for the very first time in the entire series, enjoying myself, the idiot writers pulled the rug out from underneath me. I do not know if that is how Stephanie Meyer's book ended, but it was a real shitty trick to play on the male audience members.

The success of these books and movies lead to the really big question, what is wrong with women? As Scott wrote, they make up the bulk of this film's fan base. I get that Jacob is eye candy every time he takes his shirt off. I get that Edward is refined and patient. Do you women not understand just how poorly this film represents your gender? Throughout the series, Bella flirted with guys who were potentially fatal to her. Yes, we know that girls are attracted to bad boys but that does not make them look very smart. Bella provides nothing to the men in her life, while they had to fight and work for her love. This depicts women as selfish and lazy. She knew Jacob liked her yet kept stringing him along, all the time knowing she would never choose him. Is that not the act of a very self centered, and somewhat cruel, person? What does the popularity of the Twilight films say about the women who adore it and admire the lead character?  

The only way for me to make sense out of the popularity of the Twilight movies is to make a comparison. The Twilight movies are to girls what the original James Bond films are to men. Bella finds love just by standing in front of a guy. James Bond gets sex as part of his job. A depressed Bella can sit around on her ass doing nothing and Edward finds it charming. Bond can face impossible amount of villains and still come out on top. Each are fantasies based entirely on the sex of the main character. However, I have met plenty of women who adore the James Bond films, but have yet to find a guy who truly enjoys Twilight. Guys will readily admit that they admire Bond's lifestyle. Are girls willing to admit to admiring Bella's many character flaws?

Taylor Lautner reveals his talents in Breaking Dawn - Part 2.

I can only agree with my brothers. What a piece of celluloid garbage! The entire series has been godawful but these last two movies have really gone the distance. They have redefined the concept of putrid in movies. The actors might as well be models. All they seem to do is stand around looking stylish and vaguely bored while Bella narrates some banal details about the story.

The dialogue is horrible. Since Jacob has the hots for their daughter he says to Edward in one scene, “So, should I call you "Dad" now?” Bella gets pissed off when she learns what Jacob has done, “You imprinted on my daughter?” But that's nothing compared to how angry she is when she hears him call her Nessie. “Nessie? You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?” What is it with her and names? She freaked out in the previous movie over Renesmee remember?

The only scene I truly enjoyed was the one Scott mentioned where Jacob reveals his secret (and his privates) to Bella's dad (see photo). I've had a few dreams where that happened. Believe me they were far more entertaining than any of these movies have been. Unlike my brothers I already knew the big battle scene was a fake.  In some ways this was worse than not knowing, since I was denied even a momentary surge of adrenaline.

Eric, the comparison to Bond is a good one. Bella represents a woman's escapist fantasy in the same way that 007 does for men.  But that's no excuse for these ridiculous characters, stupid situations, the inane patter that passes for dialogue, and the really bad CGI. Dawn may have broken for these characters but I'm so vastly relieved the sun has finally set on Twilight the saga.