Amateur Moviegoers

Let's all go to the lobby and buy ourselves a treat.

Walk into any lobby, of any Movie Theater, on any weekend, and you will see at least one couple standing directly in front of the ticket booth, holding up the line by staring at the sign with the movie times. If you listen close you will likely hear one of them say, "I told you we should have left earlier", to which the other will reply, "Well, why don't we just see (insert movie title here), instead."

The problem continues from there because by the time you've paid for your ticket, and moved to the concession stand, that same couple will now be ordering food ahead of you. Now as most of you know, movie theaters do not offer a wide selection of food and the choices rarely vary from theater to theater. Yet somehow it will take them ten minutes to make up their mind and then, they will ask the inevitable question, "How large is your small?" The person behind the counter will show them, but then make matters worse by telling them, "You can get a medium for only a quarter more." So the decision making process begins all over again.

Hurrying past them, you find your way into the theater and find your seat. Just as the lights go completely out and the previews begin, you notice someone whispering in the aisle next to you. Sure enough, it's the couple from the lobby, who've finally figured out which theater they should be in. And no matter how many empty seats or rows there might be, they will always want to sit in the same aisle as you. One of them will invariably step on your foot as they squeeze past and the other is bound to either drop popcorn or drip soda on you.

A maximum of two minutes will now pass as they settle themselves into their seats, until one of them decides they need to use the restroom. More foot stomping follows as they squeeze their way back out of the seats.

Finally, all of the Army Recruitment Ads, Will Rogers Films, and Previews are over and you settle in to watch the movie. Five minutes into it, the one who went to the bathroom returns, only they can't find where they were sitting, so now they start whispering the name of the person they came with, only very, very loudly.

After they've once again squeezed past you, I'm sure you can guess what happens next. The person who went to the bathroom has to find out what they've missed. Ten minutes into the explanation of what happened during the first five minutes, and they are both so hopelessly lost that they spend the rest of the movie trying to figure out what is happening. A process that takes both of them, more whispering, and lots of gesturing with their hands.

It is usually at this point that their cell-phone will start to ring. A phenomenon he will find hilarious, and she will be embarrassed by, so that she feels the need to let the audience know how upset she is by telling him, just loud enough so the entire theater will hear, to turn it off.

Three bathroom/concession stand breaks later, the lights come up and the credits begin to roll.

The couple will stand up, and one will say to the other, "Well, I don't know what all the fuss was about that movie." To which the other will reply, "Yeah, I had it figured out right away."